When Moira Goes Unchecked
by Nip
Summary: This is a story about four people and a dog who get attacked by granola and are cruely transported to some unknown destination. This is under Tortallian fics, because they think they are in Tortall or the surrounding region.
1. In Which Stuff Happens

Hello, this is your author, Moira speaking. I would like to share this bit of communication with you because I think it will be entertaining. In this story, I am very silly (obvious, obviously, as I take my friends into a fictional world), and make fun of my friends in fiction. What could be better!  
  
Welcome to Moira's world. When they come, Tamora Pierce's world and characters are hers. The magic blue sieve belongs to someone who's name I never caught. Thank you.  
  
One night something very dangerous happened, Moira the unpredictable read a story about a magic blue sieve, and she got an idea. The idea sat like a bit of something that festers, and festered in her head. It grew until Moira got THAT GLEAM in her eye, and THAT GRIN on her face. Unfortunately, there were no sane friends there to stop her, so she got a very crafty idea.  
  
By the next morning, we are sorry to say, she was too deep in to be dissuaded. In fact to her friends, acquaintances, and just about everyone else, she looked completely normal (that is to say very sleepy). The only person in the entire world that noticed anything different about her was her bus driver, who thought she ran quicker than usual to catch the bus (to which she was, normally may I add, late). Thus the idea, evil as it was, was not got rid of in the normal fashion. In fact, it was not got rid of at all, and it was so terribly evil that it manifested itself that very day.  
  
The manifestation came in the packing of a bag. Yes, I as the author know that the moment Moira returned to her abode from the necessary time spent pretending to learn, she went deep into the depths of her closet and did some excavating. ( This is in itself deceiving as Moira's closet was really one of those wide shallow ones and very little depth was actually involved.) From the depths (actually shallows) of her closet Moira surfaced, triumphant, with a pack basket. ( A very well made pack basket, may I add, seeing as I was the one to weave the darn thing anyway) Into this basket Moira threw very neatly the things needed for her plan to continue. These included but were not limited to, a knife, flint (taken from a cool little clicker/sparker of her brother's), a comb, soap, a tin whistle, earthenware mug, and a small army style canvas tent. She covered the entire mess with a bit of waterproof that was rolled next to the tent when she found it.  
  
Then she did her little ape-dance-walk out to the kitchen, which was mercifully empty of other humans (mainly her family who would not be home for several hours due to this and that), and got out of the refrigerator the carton of two percent milk. On the side of the milk was a recipe for granola bars, and it was this recipe that Moira commenced to follow. While the butter was melting on the stove, she gathered together dried fruit, some unshelled (that means still in the shell) nuts, and a bag of granola bars. Then she followed the next step on the carton, and while that was simmering nicely(if evilly) she did something very un-Moiraish, she called her friends.  
  
Moira never calls people if she can help it. So when Ilanna, and Fae got her summons on the phone they both agreed to come over right away. (seeing as this was in the heart of finals season, this was not a very normal or sane thing to do, but perhaps some of the magic of the blue sieve had rubbed off on Moira.)  
  
Anyway, by the time they arrived, the so called granola mixture from the milk carton was almost done. Moira heard them at the door, grabbed her pack, and then threw the last ingredient in the pot on the stove. Ilanna and Fae opened the door just in time to see Moira, then nothing but a large cloud of smoke.  
  
The smoke made them cough. I know this is not a normal or very romantic way of describing something that is not scientifically possible, but that's what happened. They coughed. Moira kept coughing, and so did Ilanna, because even though she had a cool unusual name most of you have already judged me as one of those hopelessly romantic \ unrealistic writers for giving her, she also had asthma. Fae, on the other hand did not have asthma even though she too had a cool unusual name, so she stopped coughing and started to chew out Moira. This chewing out consisted of many "what the heck"s and "MOIRA"s. Eventually (and here I will use the normal phrase you hate me for not using before) the smoke cleared.  
  
Now I would like to intervene and explain to you what would now happen if this were another one of those fics by another one those people who like to use phrases like "and then the smoke cleared" right off the bat, and who don't apologize for using romantic \ unusual names. If this were like that, all three girls would now fall silent because they would be on a hilltop that over looked Corus, and they would all know exactly where they were. They would then stand up just in time to meet Kel or even more likely the author's favorite Knight or squire. But alas for the three parties involved in this story, I am writing this, so when the smoke cleared they had no idea where they were and Ilanna just joined in the chewing out of Moira instead of falling silent (and I ,as author, happen to know that they did not meet any one, known or not, for some time). And now I will continue with the dialogue that you all must be waiting for.  
  
"Moira did you burn something?" "What the heck!" "Moira, MOIRA!" "FAE, we're in a forest!!!" "'lannie, Moira, where are we?!?" "I didn't do anything!" "Moira did it!" "MOIRA!!!!"  
  
"Yeeess."  
  
"Moira, WHERE ARE WE?"  
  
"Ummmm, in a foressstt, Maaaybeee?"  
  
"MOIRA"  
  
"We not be home any morses"  
  
"Duh..."  
  
"Moira, you did this didn't you? You know where we are don't you?" Asked Ilanna who was sick of unlabeled dialogue as I am sure you are too by now.  
  
Moira stood up ( they were lying down before) and said grandly, "Friends and Romans, I, with the help of a milk carton, have succeeded in transporting us to a lovely vacation destination. One day, you will thank me, as will all Tortall ficsters once we get home and document it."  
  
Fae, however, was fond of unlabeled dialogue, "Are you trying to tell us we have been transported to Tortall?"  
  
"Beats me, How should I know?"  
  
"MOIRA"  
  
"As I was saying, perhaps we are in Tortall, perhaps we are in Galla or Tyra, anyway, you get the idea. Now we must get down to business. We can't stand around all day." And with this statement, which was a much over used expression, she knelt down to poke around in her pack.  
  
The other two were stunned. They conveniently stayed stunned until Moira had finished poking in the basket. They were brought out of their stunned state by having masses of cloth shoved at them. "what the heck?" said Fae for about the eighth time that day. "I second that," said Ilanna. "What the heck are these?"  
  
"SCA costumes" answered Moira.  
  
Now I, the author, would like to interject to explain the SCA. SCA stands for the Society of Creative Anachronism. (it also stands for a lovely college, the Sage College of Albany, but to this story that is irrelevant) The SCA is a wonderful organization in which people dress up from the middle ages and do cool and interesting things like sword fight and sample homemade wine. Now the three girls in this story were seriously considering joining the SCA. In fact Moira and Ilanna already had, and Moira had taken it on to make them better costumes. Very convenient isn't it. Heh Heh, it's great to be the author.  
  
Well, when Moira says "better costumes", she means better costumes. The things were hand woven, hand sewn, hand hemmed, hand dyed, hand washed, and pre full of fleas, thanks to Moira's cat. (And boy do I know how full of handwork these were, seeing as I made them, because I am Moira as well as the author here.) (And I was just kidding about the fleas, there were no fleas. Are you happy Ilanna?)  
  
Moira was well pleased with the costumes, she wriggled with delight as the other two girls held them up. "Beautiful, beautiful, now put them on."  
  
Ilanna didn't want to. Moira made her.  
  
After much ______, (I'm leaving it up to you what to put in the blank, because there are many really good words to put there and I like mad libs.) they were all dressed. ( this means down to medieval underwear too you purists who wonder when characters go to the bathroom and other rot usually, and tactfully, left out of the story.) Then Moira made them take out their elastic hair ties and spit out their gum. Actually it was only Fae who had gum, but Moira made her spit it out.  
  
It was at this point that Ilanna and Fae finally protested. "Why are we doing this," they asked.  
  
It is that this time that Moira went in to a quite serious explanation \ lecture. I will not go into it here for several reasons. One; this is supposed to be silly ( I said it would be in the beginning) and serious lectures do not belong in a silly lighthearted story. Two; I'm too lazy to type it. And three; I'm also too lazy to make it up. The gist of it was that they must not have things from their time here because it would cause a lot of complications, (except Moira couldn't seem to remember the word 'complications' so she had to use several other not quite so relevant words instead).  
  
Then Moira took a plastic bag out of her pack basket and put all of their old clothing in it, along with the hairties and Ilanna's pursie-baggie thingy, (she left out the gum) and buried it in a big hole they dug in the ground.  
  
Then they left.  
  
They spent a long time walking and actually, to the surprise of the author, covered some great distance. They, however, did not know this, as they had no map or blimp, or Doppler radar or sat nav (which stands for satellite navigation system, and is a very nice handy thing used on boats) or anything else to tell.  
  
It is at this point that the author hesitates, because it is the sad fact that she has not really thought up any plot. She was able to fudge her way along until now, but now plot is necessary, and the author is having a lack of ideas. Disappointing, ya?  
  
OK, because I am officially out of ideas (or at least am pretending to be officially out of ideas for reasons unfathomable), and I think it would be cool, and I think it may get me more reviews (which seems to be the sole purpose of some ficsters) and I want to see if it will work. I am going to stop here and let you put in the reviews which you will write when you finish reading this, what you think should happen now.  
  
Ready, Set, Review! 


	2. In which WilkesBarre Appears, Sort Of

The following are not necessarily the views or feelings of the author, and she is not responsible for this chapter's contents.( Nor does the author take credit for the creation of any names, places, or plot that come from Tamora Peirce's books, or anyone else's.)  
  
(PS Wilkes-Barre basically wrote this, so I'm not responsible.)  
  
(Though I'd be more than glad to relay any reviews you want to send him. Hint hint.)  
  
Our unhappy threesome walked for roughly three days in basically a straight line. They did not have a watch with which to tell the time, because Moira had buried it, and they did not have rain gear, because they had not brought any. They also were never quite sure if they were walking in a straight line, because they had also not brought a compass. Moira enjoyed herself immensely, Ilanna and Fae did not. Well to be honest, Fae did less than Moira, but more than Ilanna, who only really enjoyed herself three times, the first night when they managed to make a fire, and discovered that roasted peanuts are really very good, and then the next day when Moira did her Gollum impersonation and scared Fae, and then later that same afternoon when Moira did her "man-flying-New-Zealand-Air-who-is-allergic-to- peanuts (with Scottish accent)" routine. Overall, Ilanna enjoyed less than an hour of their hike, Moira was unhappy for less than an hour, and Fae was somewhere in-between the two.  
  
( See here, I am enraged at the false assumptions made. I, Moira, was unhappy for roughly one half hour every morning, because I kept getting awful cricks in my neck from sleeping on the ground without a pillow. Let's see, one half times three is.a lot more than one. Humph)  
  
Anyway, on the third day, we don't know quite when exactly, because they didn't have a watch, some stuff happened. First in the morning, Moira didn't want to wake up, so she just lay there for awhile and Fae and Ilanna got pretty mad at her and at everything in general. They figured that if they wanted a walk in the woods, they could have gone behind Ilanna's house, and then afterwards had a nice dinner and a bed with pillows. When Moira finally got up they began walking in the same direction they had stopped walking in the day before. They didn't give Moira any of the dried fruit for breakfast because they were running low and they were mad at her. Then later after they had walked enough to make them hot sweaty and mad, Fae fell down a cliff, and the other two left her for dead. Then a dog grabbed Moira and dissipated with her, and Ilanna left her for dead.  
  
(Now see here, that didn't happen at all. Readers, don't listen to any of that leaving for dead stuff, that was just Wilkes-Barre lying to you. We'll start again with Fae falling down a cliff.)  
  
.Fae fell down a cliff. Now, if this was any of those other fics, Fae would now say something along the lines of, "Oh dear, I seem to have sprained my ankle." (Never mind how she managed to sprain ankle while basically only rolling down a very steep hill and landing on her stomach, or how in the world she would know if she sprained her ankle and didn't break it or just bruise it) And then the other two would rush down (conveniently forgetting that it was a cliff and the only way to rush down a cliff would be to fall like Fae) and gather around her concernedly. Then a young man with a horse would trot up and we'd hear about every feature of him. He has chestnut brown curls and long eyelashes framing aquamarine eyes and perfect skin to set off his straight blond hair and green eyes, ect. And he would say, "My name is Sir. Wilkes-Barre of Conté, Pirate's Swoop, Olau, Goldenlake, Naxen, Persopolis, Legan, and just about every other place under the sun, may I help you? Because I also happen to be a very powerful Shang warrior, and Black robe mage, as well as having a picnic lunch enough for four people, an inhuman sense of direction and a castle not far from here."  
  
Instead, Fae lay there for awhile while the other two tried to see if she was okay without falling off the cliff too.  
  
Authors note: Listen all you non-existent people reading this. I am very sorry for the poor formatting of this and the dense paragraphing. Moira is a very dense person, and Wilkes-Barre has never passed English class with more than a 78. (that grade refers to the US public school grading system, as Wilkes- Barre is from New England, and therefore goes to a US public school.) As a result I realize that it is tough to read. I'm working on fixing that, so please bear with me for the time being. Thank you.  
  
Oops, now that I've kinda told you all about Wilkes-Barre, I'd better explain myself.  
  
Eventually Moira managed to get down the cliff in the process creating a huge could of dust and sending massive amounts of pebbles onto the head of Fae. After sincerest apologies and a lot of coughing Fae managed to get righted again.  
  
To tell the honest truth (though really what other kind is there?) I have no idea exactly what happened next. You see, I was being a really good, faithful, attentive author, and then I kinda zoned out for a couple seconds and. okay, stopped paying attention to my characters for a couple sec- actually minutes.Fine, I took a break and completely ignored the characters for a good quarter of an hour. (Gimme a break. You think reading this is boring? Try watching these guys walk and argue for hours on end without any of these wonderful, insightful, hilarious author notes.)  
  
When I came back, Fae was at the top of the cliff with Ilanna, and Moira was still at the bottom. There were some shouts between the two parties, that sounded like they were in a quandary about how Moira was going to get up the cliff, and then this dog ran up. (yes I know that was not only a poorly structured sentence, but also a poorly worded one, and not even funny. But hey, no one reads this anyway, so who's to complain?) ( In fact, since no one is reading this, why am I even writing it?) (Wow, this is kinda a waste of time, I think I'll stop)  
  
(PS, the dog was going to do something really cool that turns out to be a plot point, but now you'll never know because I never get any sign that I'm doing more than creating cool dogs and plot points for my own amusement)  
  
("For my own amusement" is, by the way, not enough reason for me to continue uploading this)  
  
( Hint, hint) 


	3. In Which WilkesBarre Really Appears

Well, I've decided that "for my own amusement" is a good enough reason to continue this, and since I feel like amusing myself at this moment, continue I shall.

(By the by-"for my own amusement" is not a good enough reason to write a disclaimer, so I'll just tell you to see the last chapter's disclaimer.)

-See last chapter's disclaimer-

Where were we? Oh, I remember, sorta...

...then this dog ran up, If fact "ran up" is a little deceiving. The ground was level where is was running, and it never stopped, it just sort of came, grabbed onto Moira's leg with its teeth, and then dissipated. Moira dissipated along with the dog.

So by the time our "Sir" Wilkes-Barre came up (also deceiving, since he came from the same direction on the same level ground as the dog) there was no longer anyone to rescue, and neither Illanna or Fae were in any sort of mood for a picnic.

Though really, neither was Wilkes-Barre. The first thing he did was notice Illanna and Fae, run back, because he had overshot them, and then holler up at them in a very frantic fashion if they had seen Little Darling. Illanna just hollered back down if he had seen Moira. Wilkes-Barre hollered back that no, he hadn't (rather bruskly too may I add) But really were they sure that they hadn't seen Little Darling- Oh- she was a dog about like this and this and with eyes and- oh- blackish kinda and-

Then Fae said very icily that his f---ing Little Darling had f---ing killed Moira, you f---ing crack-head.

Wilkes-Barre looked a little abashed, (Ha Ha, he positively looked sick) and really really sorry (as he very well should have). He yelled as much up at Illanna and Fae, and then said he was really really sorry for yelling, and then attacked the cliff, and, eventually, managed to get to the top, where he looked so miserable that Illanna actually took him by the arm and told him it was OK, and to calm down dude, they didn't really like Moira anyway so it was no great loss.

Now wait a second here-

Oh you were being sarcastic?

Well I guess that's alright...

...and to calm down dude. He then went on to explain that it really wasn't OK. It turned out that Little Darling had developed a habit of spontaneously dissipating. One moment she was there, the next she wasn't. It had never happened before, but he guessed, that since Moira had been in contact with Little Darling that she too had dissipated.

Now we have some options. We can continue in this direct, if bland vein and tell about Fae and Illanna's reactions to the dissipation of Moira. Or we can do some skipping about and have Wilkes-Barre realize that they all are speaking English with a New York accent and flip out. Or we could cut to what's happening with Moira, though for the sake of the structure of later chapters I'd rather not. Or we could have another If-I-Wasn't-Writing-This-But-It-Was-Happening-Anyway episode.

Gee Whiz- I don't know, they all sound so equally dull and boring.

Oh, well here's another option, Illanna wants a description of Wilkes-Barre.

Now see here, I'm not so pleased about this. It certainly seems that Illanna is a little too interested in Wilkes-Barre. Wait- Illanna- you were supposed to be the one to flay Wilkes-Barre back then when he first ran up, what is this nonsense, don't tell me you LIKE Wilkes-Barre now, Hey! Fine, be that way, I was going to give you a Tortallian and a Shang Pig to choose from, but if you don't want these handsome creatures I've cooked up for you, go ahead, fall in love with-

Oh- look Wilkes-Barre, really no offence meant, its just...

See Illanna...

Oh, why do I even try?!?


End file.
